I'm writing you this letter to inform you that <PORN SITE NAME CENSORED> was found on my child's iFruit computer this afternoon.

As you are well aware Sec. 117 of <US CODE> specifies that it is illegal to market, attempt to market, think about <PORN SITE NAME CENSORED> in the state of Maryland. And you can't do it in DC either.

I read in <NEWSPAPER NAME CENSORED> Ask Alice column yesterday that <PORN SITE NAME CENSORED> was censored by <a href="http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Bill_gates">Bill Gates</a> (brought to you by MICROSOFT) automatically by CyberNanny ME. Or was it XP.

Anyways, I would sincerely appreciate you reversing the charges for <PORN SITE NAME CENSORED> on my husband's credit card.

Sincerely,
<EX-WIFE NAME CENSORED>

PS. Ask Alice also told me that the XBOX 360• sites "gunk up the memorey (RAM)" more than the adult websites. But that might just be a myth propogated by Microsoft

PPS. Don't be Evil. Or at least have fun.

At some point you stop feeling bad for all the kids who don't get to celebrate Halloween, and you start enjoying Halloween.

If you've ever seen the Home Movies Halloween special, you know what I'm talking about.

Melody, my little sister, today said "Hahaha, keep laughing at your own jokes". And I thought "That's what I have a blog for".

Discuss.

When I thought of the scariest thing that I could dress up as for Halloween, I instantly got discouraged. How do you dress as Cancer?

Maybe I could go as Breast Cancer. For 49 dollars at Super Stop and Shop, I could get 49 of those pink ribbons and tape them to myself. October is breast cancer awareness month after all.

Or maybe I could go as CantAffordTheRent...Again. I could be the sheriff in Roger and Me who comes and actually takes your shit out of your house and puts it on the sidewalk. Or I could be the woman in that film who is raising cats for food. Spooooky!

How do you dress up as MinimumWage? Or his scarier uncle MinimumWageForTheRestOfYourLife.

Or maybe I could dress up as Police have documented cases of madmen randomly distributing poisoned goodies to the little tykes who come calling on Halloween. But people would get mad when they realize I just as easily could have dressed up as Bigfoot or the Gyroball (Hint: none of them exist).

This Halloween I'm going to dress up as TheGhostOfHalloweenPast. I'm going to dress up half as that cherished memory from your childhood, and half the realization that you'll never be that happy again.

At least no one's ever accused me of not having an imagination.

Roses are red
Violets are, too
Wait no they're not
Who invited you?

---

if you stand close to an airplane
you might not fly
but at least your eardrums will be shattered
by the powerful jet engine

---

dreams are like puppies
they're cute when they're young
but eventually they grow up
they're less cute
they're bigger
they eat more
...
I never had a puppy as a child

---

Camels are brown
Violets are, of course, violet
Zoos are fun
But what's the point?

---

If being depressed is like being In Jail
Then I'd like to believe I'm 'Just Visiting'

This is an open letter of apology to anyone who read my previous blog post and was offended.

Although I'm no newcomer to blogging, I'm still struggling to find a middle ground between "say whatever the bleep you want" and "be sensitive, people are listening".

So fuck fuck fuck, I can say whatever I want. Whoopdee-poo hoo-ray la la la. The dumb part is that I'm writing naughty things about myself on my own bathroom wall.